In 2019, Xavier and I were on the brink of becoming licensed foster parents when we took a break from our normal routines and rhythms for Xav to attend back-to-back three month opportunities. One was three months in New Mexico for an internship and one was a three month long conference in LA. I was shooting almost two dozen weddings that year so we traveled a lot (him to shoot weddings with me and me to go see him) and I had a significant amount of alone time.

During the time I had in LA, I decided to write the story of how we got here to the brink of fostering. I wanted to recount to myself the ways God had broken down my walls and brought me into something I said I would never be able to do. Even then, I could have never foreseen where God would take us in our parenting journey.

Seven years later, I am revisiting my journal and sharing it here for my kids to find someday.

Excerpt from my journal October 2019 – Introduction

“I’ve always enjoyed writing and the process of putting my thoughts onto paper. I loved how Laura remembered her life as if she was writing down stories in a remembrance book and how Jo and Anne eventually found joy in writing about the simple, beautiful things in their lives without all the high fluting mumbo jumbo. But when I first sat down to write out this story, it was in the format of a journal entry. After almost a dozen journal pages, my sister’s challenge came back to mind. Before I left, she had told me that I should write a book while I was gone. I had jotted “write my story” on my list of things I could do during this incredibly odd season, but I didn’t make up my mind to actually do it until yesterday. 

Xavier just left for the day, and I am eagerly awaiting the rays of sunshine that will begin to creep through the skylights here in a little while. Compared to our two bedroom home in Michigan, this one bedroom apartment in Los Angeles is notably smaller and more constricted. We have specific times that we can use the shared kitchen, and we have to set up appointments to use the laundry. However, we just came from a studio apartment in a much different part of LA. The walls there were swollen with mold and we kept our shades drawn day and night. Our neighbors were incredibly loud and the outdoor coin laundry didn’t work. Having that dark and dirty apartment as our first stay changed my perspective on living in this sunny room. While it is still a tight space, I am much more thankful because of where we just came from. God changes my perspective like this very frequently. He has to constantly remind me to be thankful and show me different perspectives, because it isn’t my natural state. My natural bend is to complain and grumble about situations that aren’t ideal. Yesterday, after I started off the day being frustrated that I couldn’t get the things done that I had set out to do, God prompted me to spend time with Him. Sometimes, the posture of my heart is so far off that I need to spend time thinking about the things I have to be thankful for before I can spend time repenting. Once I began, I couldn’t stop and proceeded to spend the whole rest of the day recounting things God has been doing and ways He has been working in my heart this year. I journaled for over three hours and only stopped when my hand cramped up too much to continue. That’s when it hit me, there is so much more I want to write about what God is doing through the ugly, broken, mundane parts of life. I want to record this unlikely journey to motherhood that God has given to me. If it were up to me, I would have never ended up here. This is the story of how God has changed my perspective on life and brought me to a motherhood I never saw coming. 

Someday, I want our kids to know this story. I want them to see the hand of God weaving them into our lives, even if it is just for a short time, and to understand that only God could bring us together as a family. I want our relatives and friends to know this story and to know how God used them to awaken our hearts. I want to tell you about what Jesus has done through the darkest moments of my life. This is not how I would have written it at all, and yet, I feel myself becoming a mom deep in the hidden places of my heart and I long to remember the fragmented, beautiful path that brought me to this place.

We will not hide what God has done from our children, but we will tell the coming generation about the glorious deeds of the Lord and of His might, and the wonders that He has done.  Psalm 78:4″