Becoming Vulnerable – how I met your father. Excerpt from my journal October 2019.
When I envisioned my perfect future life with a handsome and godly husband, several beautiful obedient children, and a peace-filled home, I pictured finding my dream man in a Bible study or church. I was desperate to not mess up. While my parents had never said I couldn’t date until I was a certain age, they had cautioned me about dating carelessly. I took their advice and decided to implement a few of my own rules. I think I wanted rules so that everything could be clear cut and so that I could be in control. I began to read books on my own too and, having kissed dating goodbye before I had ever been on a date, I was determined to wait for the perfect man to come along. I often told my friends that I knew he wouldn’t truly be “perfect” but he would be perfect for me. In order to find this man that would be my better half, my dream come true, and my peace, I had committed to not dating until I was ready to consider marriage.
I was convinced that if I did things the right way then I could never get hurt. If I did things the right way then I would control my future and everyone would like me. While I knew it wasn’t true, I still wanted to believe that this would make God love me more. Naturally, this legalistic approach to dating led to a very self righteous view of what love should look like and a very nonexistent dating life. I entered my first college semester without ever having been on a date. Behind my fear of messing up my love life was a deeper fear that maybe, just maybe, all of my perfect plans wouldn’t actually work out.
One of my closest friends from childhood, Moriah, and I entered our first semester of community college together. One night, we were sitting opposite of each other in the hallway where we did homework and, instead of doing homework, we were chatting in gmail.. Eventually, we began discussing our perfect guy. I had claimed that I had a list of 49 things I wanted in a guy and Moriah didn’t believe that I could actually be that ridiculous so I set out to list them all.
me: 1. Love for God
Moriah: k
me: 2. ADORES me… like seriously love me soooo stinking much
Moriah: yeahhh
Moriah: duh
me: 3. Love kids
Moriah: good one
me: 4. Works hard…. but not too hard. I want him home for dinner
Moriah: getting specific eh
Moriah: where’s the cute
me: 5. makes cute kids
Moriah: very good point
me: 6. can be turned into a farmboy
Moriah: ugh
me: 7. sings and or plays an instrument
Moriah: okay
me: 8. no drinking, smoking, and no annoying noises
Moriah: well listen up
Moriah: so far i haven’t heard super duper cute guy… that worries me
me: 9. SUPER DUPER CUTE…
Moriah: yeah
me: 10. take me on adventures. NOT dates. NEVER a date!
Moriah: finally
Moriah: why not a date?!?!
Moriah: and what is an adventure
me: a date involves awkward eating… i hate listening to people eating
Moriah: true
me: an adventure is anything besides sitting in fancy clothes and eating food while watching someone stuff their face
Moriah: haha
me: 11. Cool parents
me: 12. Cool siblings
Moriah: got it
me: 13. Adores his Mom and respects her like no other!
me: 14. doesn’t mind dirt, poop, etc.
me: 15. Good with E.R.’s or at least strong stomached
Moriah: what about his style
Moriah: do you want the plaid shirt or salmon shorts type
me: 16. calm and collected on the outside… so he can calm my down when i overreact
me: 17. hyper and spontaneous too so we can have the BEST adventures
Moriah: answer the style question
me: 18. i dont care about his style… I dont want him to care about his style. but I really like the rugged/ chill look
Moriah: gotcha
Moriah: can you skip to 49?
me: 19. he HAS to be my hero…
Moriah: good
me: 20. TALL
me: 21. DARK
Moriah: what does that mean???
me: 22. HANDSOME
me: i like dark hair… and black eyes…. and a bit of a dark side to him too
Moriah: ur kids will be super adorbs
Moriah: black eyes???!?!
Moriah: that will be impossible!
me: yep… deep dark eyes
Moriah: i know why you are freaking out about not getting a guy
me: i know right!
Moriah: because u are only at 21. and ur list is impossible!
me: im at 23.
Moriah: i prefer short and sweet so the options are endless
Moriah: still got a long way to 49
me: i dont want endless. i just want one. if he’s the right one
me: 23. a strong leader.
me: 24. but super gentle
Moriah: super gentle is excellent
me: 25. i can’t marry someone with ANY temper whatsoever.
Moriah: good luck
me: 26. Likes dogs and cattle… cause we’ll have several
me: 27. know how to surprise me… like really surprise me. It’s hard to do!
Moriah: okay
Moriah: that’s a lame one
me: 28. watches my movies with me and holds my hand while we watch his scary movies.
Moriah: good
me: 29. makes good popcorn
me: 30. knows how to dance
me: 31. is older than me… i dont know why but i like the idea of him being “older and wiser”
Moriah: okay
me: 32. only buys REAL christmas trees
Moriah: VERY GOOD POINT
Moriah: fake ones are gross
Moriah: except finding a real tree for our 30 foot ceiling in our mansion might be hard
me: 33. gets to know, really know and respect my dad… VERY HARD
Moriah: only 16 left
me: 34. likes to go out with his friends and doesnt have t be around me all the time… i dont want a cling on
Moriah: hmmm
Moriah: i disagree
Moriah: i wouldn’t trust him
Moriah: eh i would i guess
Moriah: idk
Moriah: make 35. trustworthy
Moriah: to validate 34
me: ill trust him to not hurt me…35. TRUSTWORTHY
Moriah: good
me: 36. strong
Moriah: def
me: 37. joyfilled
me: 38. smart
Moriah: k
Moriah: 11 more
me: 39. likes listening to christmas music with me before thanksgiving
Moriah: awww
me: 40. likes telling jokes and making me laugh
Moriah: that should be #1 on ur list
Moriah: for you
me: 41. cute smile…. for real…. thats a killer for me
Moriah: oh add that to my list too!
me: 42. redacted
Moriah: yeah not happening
Moriah: but u can dream
Moriah: not to be a downer though
Moriah: it would be cool though
Moriah: 7 more
me: 43. a real listener
Moriah: good
me: 44. loves ice cream!
Moriah: ding ding ding! #1 on my list!
Moriah: not really
Moriah: but very important!!!!!
me: 45. he MUST like the following: FOOTBALL AND BASKETBALL MSU and Steelers and Lions
Moriah: def !
me: 46. if he likes nascar Ill call it off even if all the other ones are true
Moriah: oooh, that means i hafta find someone who likes the Jets
Moriah: greattttttt
Moriah: agreed about nascar yuck
me: 47. never goes golfing. EVER
Moriah: awww why not?
me: unlesss its putt putt with me on an ADVENTURE
Moriah: lol
Moriah: 2 MORE
me: 48. Drives a truck…. but doesn’t listen to country music
Moriah: okay
Moriah: decent
Moriah: last one!
me: 49. I’ll know he is the right one for me if he asks me to marry him in a unique, hysterically funny, and utterly romantic way…. oh and i want to go to PEI on our honeymoon
Moriah: haha
Moriah: good last one
Our crazy intense texting lingo and shallow banter aside, the more I thought about it, the more deeply committed to this list I became. I thought I had created a list of ideals and standards that would protect my heart and help me achieve the perfect relationship and an ideal marriage. I was ready for a perfect love story with a perfect guy in a perfect world. If I was strict with my list then I’d find a guy who valued the same things and I could love him without risk.
There was just one problem. The sneaking, underlying fear that he might not exist was growing. I was stuck between desperately hoping that my perfect plan would play out and an ever growing awareness of reality. I was tightly gripping what I thought was control, while also feeling like control was slipping away. Which was more risky? To hold out for a perfect 49 things man and risk never finding him or find a man and risk an imperfect relationship. I wanted him to be real so badly but my ability to hide from the real world was dwindling. Moriah’s comment of “ur list is impossible” haunted me. I was purposefully burying my head about real world problems, trying to create a perfect world that I could control but also very aware that hurt and heartache were seeping in. The same doubts I had battled as a child came flooding back. Was God good? The Bible said He was. I even said He was. But the Bible also said that God was sovereign over my perfect plans… what if they didn’t come to pass? I wrestled with the things I knew to be true about God and the things I wanted to be true about my life. What if He didn’t give them to me? In my attempt to have everything, God AND my plans, I became pessimistic. It wasn’t a decision as much as it was a coping mechanism.
I tried to control the possibility of pain in my life by preparing for it. If I could think of the worst possible outcome and prepare myself for it (just in case), then God could never disappoint me. Instead of holding out my dreams and plans and trusting that God’s plans were ultimately the best, I decided to make two road maps. One for if all my dreams came true and one for if none of them did. Bitterness took root in my heart and the fruit sprung up quickly. The fruit of my bitterness was jealousy, grumpiness, and complaining. So much complaining.
I went to church and Bible studies because it was the right thing to do. I followed my Bible reading plans and felt accomplished after each checkbox, but I rarely took time to internally process what I was reading. I wanted to do the right things and say the right things so that I could have the results I wanted. I wanted a peace that I could create and control.
_____
The summer after I had made my list of what I needed in a man, I was sitting in the dining hall at a summer camp when he walked in. The dining room was full of staff members who were still in the first few days of training to be volunteers at the camp but despite the full room, this entrance did not go unnoticed. He walked in with a handlebar mustache and a blonde mohawk. He was wearing sunglasses and earrings and he had a bandana tied around his forehead. He clearly was here for the attention and I spent that summer determined to not give him any. Of course… there were plenty of other people to hang out with and get to know.
After camp ended, I reached out to all the people from camp that I knew lived near Lansing. I offered rides to church if any of them were interested. Xavier was the only one to respond and he got my phone number out of that encounter. While he declined my initial invitation, we texted back and forth for a day or two. It was interesting to me that someone so extreme on the outside could be so mild and genuine in communication. A few days later, he texted me again. Then the next day, and the next. Suddenly, it had been a whole week of texting him back and forth. The week turned into weeks which turned into a month. After a few months of texting him, I had learned more about him than just his affinity for crazy hair styles and being grumpy all the time (the only two things I had learned about him at camp). He was actually incredibly smart, very motivated by his goals, and he was always asking me questions that challenged my theology. Instead of just accepting what I claimed to believe, he began to really ask deep questions that revealed inconsistencies in my life. It was annoying but also very refreshing and real. One morning he “slept past his alarm” and missed the church service he had been attending. He reached out to me to see if the offer for a ride to church still stood. His friendship meant a lot to me and I agreed to have my mom pick him up, while also trying to figure out a way to explain to everyone at church that I didn’t like this guy… well, I did like him but I didn’t want anyone to think that I liked him. Sure, it was flattering to have a guy text me “good morning” every day and I really appreciated the conversations we had about theology and worldviews. But I wasn’t attracted to him in a romantic way at all and I was still holding tightly to my list of 49 things…
My family quickly began to get in the routine of picking and dropping off Xavier for church all while nodding their heads and winking about me “not liking him”. I felt our friendship growing and yet, if a man didn’t live up to my standards then I just couldn’t see myself with him. In a vain attempt to hint that he wasn’t the one for me, I shared my list of ideals with Xavier one night. I was hoping he would see that I had high standards and get the idea that he wasn’t the one for me. I mean, he had earrings… and liked metal music… he for sure couldn’t be THE one. At one point, I literally told him that he wasn’t “the one” (insert awkward cringe here).
Thankfully, Xavier took this opportunity to nicely tell me that my list was legalistic and selfish. He spoke truth to me in a very kindly but the words still felt sharp and rude. Of course, this was my dream man he was challenging. I told myself that of course he would think that it was dumb and unattainable… just because he feels like he doesn’t fit into the list.
But then he shared his list of things he wanted in a wife with me.
1. She is not only saved, but she truly loves the Lord and is committed to Him and His Word.
Mark 12:30
2. She is morally pure and lives a life of high moral standards. A woman of character.
I Corinthians 6:18-20
3. She lives in harmony with authority. (i.e.. parents, church, government)
Ephesians 6:1,2; I Peter 2:13-19
4. She accepts herself – best evidenced by a meek and quiet spirit. She doesn’t make physical things her focus. (i.e.. clothes, makeup, etc..)
I Peter 3:1-6
5. She loves her parents and especially her father. If her parents are divorced or she has been wronged deeply, does she forgive and honor him?
Ephesians 6:3
6. She has a purpose in life that includes a high priority on being a wife, mother and homemaker.
Titus 2:4,5
7. She is fun and lighthearted, and yet can be serious when the occasion calls for it.
Proverbs 17:22; Titus 2:4
He said he had read it somewhere and had loved how simple it was. Nothing built on Disney ideals or soul mates or “the one”. In fact, he continued, he didn’t believe that there was such a thing as soul mates. EXCUSE ME WHAT?! I was defensive and upset at his response. How could he not believe in a soul mate or finding THE ONE? But deep down I began to question my list of ideals. Were they valid? Many of them weren’t really based on biblical truth but rather my attempts to find someone that was easy for me to love. Someone like-minded in superficial things who would be easier to get along with. If we perfectly understood each other then we would have a happier marriage. And that’s what marriage was supposed to be… happy. Right?
We dropped the subject and decided to continue to be friends. But the texting soon turned into phone calls, which turned into long Skype chats. As the communication and friendship grew, the line between friendly and flirty was getting blurry. For a few short, winter months, I was convinced that it really was possible for us to be just best friends with different goals, even if my mom told me otherwise.
Spring break rolled around the corner and Xavier headed off on a short term mission trip to build houses down south. Due to his schedule, we didn’t talk at all that week and I moped around quite a bit. Halfway through the week of silence I was scrolling through Facebook trying to distract myself from the nagging feelings inside of me when I saw a photo of Xavier pop up. A girl, who was also on the mission trip, had posted the photo and oh my goshhhhh did I spiral. My heartbeat quickened and sunk all at once. Those nagging feelings I had been trying to push away all week flooded into my head. Why did I care if another girl was posting pictures of him? What did it matter if he didn’t text me for a week? Why could I not stop staring at his smile? Had he always been that cute?
Xavier returned from his trip a few days later and was greeted with a very friendly barrage of texts that led us into another conversation about my ideals, my dreams, and my perfect future family. I was tempted to tell him what my heart was feeling but was worried that he might not feel the same anymore. Telling him I liked him would be risky. What if we were too different? What if we did start dating and then I found out he wasn’t the one? What if I gave up my list of 49 things and it led to a rocky relationship? I kept hinting around at something important I wanted to tell him and he kept patiently waiting for me to say it. Pessimism was telling me that there was no way he still liked me and my legalism was warning me about all the ways he didn’t fit into my list. In the midst of my wrestling, Xavier sent me this quote.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves)
I could choose to lock up my heart and avoid all heartbreak. I could run the other way and become miserable in my own self entered world. Or I could risk it, tell this guy that I respected and liked that I wanted to pursue a different type of relationship than “just friends” and see what happened.
Two years later, we stood under the Oak tree in my parents’ backyard and vowed to love each other through the brokenness of life, to forgive and practice loving even when it was hard to be vulnerable with one another. God brought me a man that was not what I had expected and began using him on day one to challenge my messed up thinking. Xavier saw my pessimism, my need to control, and my dreams for a happy ending and instead of running away, he stepped into the messiness of real life with me. He was the man I never expected and the man I needed so much more than the man of 49 things. His willingness to be vulnerable with me has helped me to become vulnerable and willing to truly love. Even if love leads to hurt. Even if it leads to a story I wouldn’t have written.
